Standing there on freedom’s shore

Before I get stuck into this heartfelt but slightly miserable and rambling banter, I should get down to business cos it might be a bit awkward afterwards! I’ve just added a wedding gallery from the beautiful Wedderburn Barns, Duns in yon Scottish Borders. Click here to view and thanks to Kirsten & Toby.

My job is funny, 80% of the time I am on my own and the rest of the time I’m hiding out in someone else’s big moment. It’s an emotional and wonderful place to be! But things have been stormy at sea for me this year. My partner and I finally split right in the middle of my busiest time with work. I’m not sure about religion and all that but I do believe in lessons and that things happen for a reason.

I’ve been striving to breathe and keep paddling away. I thought I was doing ok and that I was in the best place I could be considering the situation. I live and work in a little house by the beach that looks out over the water. I’m mad in love with the view. It feeds my soul every time I look at it. I didn’t notice for a while that I was desperately searching for nostalgic joy, trawling through old photos and videos, attaching myself like a limpet to things that make me happy, searching for songs that I like with positive lyrics (eh, super tricky, we all know the best ones are sa-ah-aaad) and playing them over and over and over…I guess I thought I’d always feel calm and happy looking at that view from this window but it turns out I won’t. A house isn’t always a home.

So I had a bit of what I’ll call an episode over the harvest moon. One of those really ugly snotty big old weeps and I’ve realised that a sense of belonging doesn’t come from walls. Maybe it’s more about where you are at, I really donno. I might not want to be in that house any more but I do still love the beach and those waves. I need to get me a wetsuit or grease up with some juicy lard (it’s pretty Baltic in there). Thankfully I’ve amassed a crew of those wonderous humans who just give you ears and shoulders whenever you need them. Those people are pirate treasure. Thanks for the map with the big X on it you beautiful creatures. I’m doing good, I also have the world’s cutest most awesome toddler singing ‘bustin’ makes me feel good’ at me (definitely at, not to).

I’ve also been so lucky to work with some couples that probably get what I’m rambling on about too! Weddings aren’t all about pink roses and candy carts. We’ve all lost loved ones, suffered or caused hurt when we didn’t want to, got ill, made decisions that can’t please everyone, all that shitty stuff. Life is a real little fucker sometimes.

That’s why I reckon when you find that connection that we all strive for you’ve got to cherish it. For me, when you find someone who truly feeds your soul, who speaks to you without words, you’ve got to grab it by the balls (be gentle mind) and dive right in. We only get one go at it all, plunge right in because you are the lucky ones. Whatever it takes, the best things are worth fighting for. Our Cilla would have said the very same.

The best bits for me at weddings are when people let their guard down – when they cry, choke up with pride, get wobbly voiced, do an impromptu running man down the aisle, those things we are sometimes shy to show. Love saves the day. Weddings are celebrations of those connections too. I’m so very glad that I get to see and record all of these feelings and moments. It fills my heart with light.

Why am I rambling on about all this on a photo blog?!! I suppose I just think that if I want the people I photograph and work with to let me see their true emotions and to trust me with them then I need to start sharing more of my own.

Steady as she blows, nobody reads yer daft chat anyhoo dolly…While I search for a new mooring (heavy handed, apologies) before the good old grey Scottish winter sets in (fuuuuuuck) I’m going to take real joy and pride from those little honest moments that I’ve been lucky enough to share and capture this summer. Thank you. I’m going to keep them safe for you. I hope to see many many more of them soon. xx

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